Tuesday, May 30, 2006 7:21 PM
sometimes when i see people's whole blog is full of happy entries, i just wonder, do they filter out their posts, have a lot of mountain experiences, pretend to be happy, or are genuinely happy?
why not me? i want to be happy too. i want that joy. granted, joy is a choice. But now it's really hard.
it's hard when you've been in a valley for the past few months underwater getting chased by sharks and no one bothers to find out you're there. i'm not the kind of person that tries to get attention and gain pity from people. i believe that many people have it much harder than me. children are orphaned by disasters in an instant just like the recent earthquake in java. alright, at least i've got my parents. so i shan't move into how crappy my life had been.
i know i'm really blessed to be able to come over here to study in university since the majority of the world don't have such opportunities. but it's hard. sometimes like today, i feel stupid. nevermind about the negative confession but i feel that way. All my life from primary one to secondary four, i've been told, "jincheng you're smart" by loads of people. And i'm convinced partly cos of my good grades. Then i come to university in Australia and i feel stupid. Is it because i was surrounded by stupid people all my life so i felt smart? Of course not. Or is it because people in classes are too scared to ask simple questions like i do which i honestly do not know cos i'm not as smart as them? Or is it because i'm in the top business school in australia which is unfortunately saturated with scholars? Or did i go to university at too young an age?
When the bible says i'm the head and not the tail, i believe but i want to see that in reality. I don't wanna feel stupid. thank God it's week 13 already. the semester ends in week 14 so one more week with these people. The bible tells me that i'm the light of the world, and a city on a hill cannot be hidden. i wanna see that happenning too. How can we save the world if God doesn't shine through us? If there is no light, we'll be no differerent from everyone else in the world.
God, i feel stupid. Maybe i'm not but it will take nothing short of a miracle from God for me to be used. God what do you see in me? I don't have much to offer but you still can use me. ok God?